Drink your medicine

"A cheerful heart is good medicine," Prov. 17:22 says so consider this your spoonful for the day!

Asthma doesn't seem to bother me any more unless I'm around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar.
Steve Allen

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.
Red Skelton

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Groucho Marx

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
Bob Hope

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Rodney Dangerfield

Yes, I know that there are many other comics out there but I chose these ones because this is a G-rated website, so give me a paper cut and pour lemon juice on it!