In Remembrance

On this day of sorrow for our nation I would like to add some healing balm. Though I did not lose someone on 911 I understand the loss of a loved one.

My father died of a massive heart attack the day after Christmas 1969. I remember going to my room after we came back from the hospital--the lights had just gone out of my world. I was in shock and felt like the events were happening to someone else.

Mechanically, I pulled out my Bible (I received it as a gift but hardly ever read or understood it). I can't remember what I read but I began to cry and suddenly I felt a presence in my room: it wasn't creepy--I was not afraid.

How can I describe it? It was as if for a brief moment in time I was inside love...pure, joyous, liberating. I was completely known, loved and accepted for who I was. From my innermost being I felt wholeness and wellbeing radiating out. Honestly I don't think it lasted more than a minute--I know I couldn't take much more of that perfect love without bursting.

I was thirteen years old and an atheist: I did not acknowledge the presence as God...I thought it was my father who had only died a few short hours before. I thought his ghost was in the room with me. I even addressed the presence out loud because it was so real to me, "Daddy, you are here with me and you will never leave me!"

Sadly from this point, I became hard and bitter and I buried the experience as hatred and anger began to eat at me like a cancer. I spent my teen years as a loner, an outsider until at eighteen I found God or rather, He found me.

The same night I turned my life over to Him, He brought back the memory of being immersed in love. I knew then that He was the one with me the day my father died.

I was an atheist and He still showed up; I was lost in confusion and He still brought His peace; I felt completely abandoned and He surrounded me with acceptance; I was filled with rage and He still saturated me with His love.

If you are an atheist, or filled with hatred and anger, or simply hurting...know this: God doesn't ask your permission to enter your pain--He'll just do it.

"Father to the fatherless, defender of widows--this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families; He sets the prisoners free and gives them joy." Ps. 67:5,6