Old Yeller

I should have known better and gone by my instincts but here I was prompted by my friends to ride a horse.

The cable guy...I mean stable guy, or whatever you call him, sized me up and said, "Have you ever been on a horse before?"
I shook my head nervously and wiped the sweat off my upper lip, "Umm, no sir!"
He paused and then drawled, "I'll give you Old Yeller."
That should have tipped me off right then that the man wanted to humiliate me. He nodded to a teenager who disappeared around the side of the horse pen.
My friends were already mounted on their beasts looking smug and confident.
I only had a few moments to collect myself and present some form of dignity I didn't possess.
"That's him," the old man pronounced tiredly.
Out came the most dilapidated creature I ever saw on four legs. It looked like it would collapse right then and there...a pale yellow but definitely not one of the horses of the apocalypse.
I was stirred by pity. "Are you sure he can take my weight?" I asked the stable man.
"No problem," he patted the horse's rump. "Old Yeller is the best horse to give beginners...he's real gentle."

After the man showed me how to mount and give commands, I was just happy to sit on it.
"Come on horse!" I ordered as my friends snickered.
Nothing happened.
"You have to kick the sides a little to get him going," one of them helpfully suggested.
I made a timid attempt and sure enough the horse started to move. That was the signal that my friends could take off and they left me in the dust.

My poor horse walked at the slowest pace imaginable and followed a trail under the shade of oak trees. What did I care that I was left behind? I had my imagination. I was Gandalf riding on Shadowfax swift as the wind. A refreshing breeze was blowing, the horse was behaving and I was feeling proud of myself.

All of a sudden I heard a loud sound coming from behind me: I'm ashamed to admit that I was too frightened to look, I just kicked the horse's side and yelled "giddy up!"

Old Yeller knew only two modes...start and stop. If he ever knew how to gallop it was long ago. The sound happened again and this time I looked behind me and saw nothing.

That's strange, I thought to myself. I know I did not imagine the sound. I decided that the next time the sound happened I would look back as soon as I heard it.

Ten minutes went by and I heard it again. I glanced quickly behind me and nothing was there. This is impossible...something has to be making that sound, I said to myself getting angrier!

Then I noticed the horse's tail was arched and to put it delicately....he was flatulenting, wait that's not a word, flatulating, oops wrong spelling. Okay, to put it bluntly--he was breaking wind or crudely stated--he was farting.

Now those of you who are equestrians can laugh all you want at a novice like me but I had no idea that horses did that. That hour long ride was a nightmare--the beast was filled with hot air.

If there is anyone out there who has never ridden a horse and you are considering it, please learn from me and never get on a horse named Old Yeller!